If you have been with me from the beginning (or even from my second diagnosis) you might remember a lot of my history. You might remember the Caringbridge site I used to post everything on (and get a lot more comments). You might remember when I first started to drink green juice or when I started taking wheatgrass shots. You might remember when I finally mustered up the courage to write about my re-diagnosis and the very POOR prognosis I was given. If you remember all of that you might also remember when I finally opened up to all of you about my fear of an early death and how it can get the best of me at times. I wrote about my experience with all my laundry detergent when I broke down crying about my fear that I might not live to see the end of it because I had so darn much of it.
For a while I went about my life like that. Afraid to make any plans to far out in the future. I was afraid to plan a trip without travelers insurance. I would buy summer clothes in the winter and wonder if I would be around to actually wear them. I was afraid to buy or plan anything that wouldn't be used up for all of its value in the next year. I would plan the Bras for a Cause show wondering if I would live to see all the hard work I did. "Would all this work be worth it if I'm not there to see it into fruition?"
I knew the way I was thinking was unhealthy for me and well just plain depressing and miserable. So, I started to rebel against that way of thinking. I'm not sure I completely changed the way I thought yet, but I was changing my actions to go against such a terrible way of thinking. I went out and bought the biggest container of natural laundry detergent I could find (actually I bought two). I started buying summer sandals and all types of clothes a couple seasons off. Kevin had a time when he really thought I was crazy obsessed with shopping and I was causing us to have a lot less money because of it. Honestly though, it was my way of dealing with my mortality fears. I never bought clothes for the season I was in, I bought clothes for the next season coming or the next. You should see the stock of summer dresses I am so excited to wear. (MD Anderson trips to Houston with some great shopping and a lot of mortality issues going on in my head because they treat me like I was just trying to gain an additional 6 months of life on the trial)
June 6th 2007, one month before my beautiful wedding to Kevin, I was told my breast cancer metastasized and the average person with my diagnosis would live 12 to 24 MONTHS!! Yes, it was such a short time, they told me in months instead of years. I'm sure with your quick math you are realizing that all I have to do is hold on for a couple more weeks and I can be one of those people that tells their story saying how according to the doctors, they should be dead by now and instead they feel great.
I tried and tried to stop thinking about this date. For a while now I have honestly believed in my heart of hearts that there is no doubt I would live to see this day (which is also my dad's birthday). Even though I knew this was the case, I still cannot wait to have that day pass. I cannot wait to get it out of my head so I no longer count any days and just stick to living every day the best I can with nothing looming over my head.
I plan ahead now (even before June 6th 2009). I planted tulip and other flower bulbs last fall wondering the same thing I do about everything...."Will I live to see it??" Guess what...I lived to see them bloom. This fall I am going to plant more bulbs especially in the new garden I built this past week. Perennial bulbs everywhere. Kevin and I are going to plan vacations without travelers insurance. I'm getting a new car (since my old Honda died) with a 5 year loan. The Bras for a Cause show is this September 12th and I already have my outfit picked out for it.
I know I am already on the right track in the way I think, but it will be really nice to have June 6th pass so then I can give the day back to my dad and have the only signifigance of that day be his birthday. I'm not sure if I went back in time and knew that the prognosis I would be given would cause me such duress if I would have changed the fact that I asked for it. I am one of those "I have to know...give it to me doc" kind of people. Then again, I am a determined, resourceful, smart, healthy, happy, will never give up kind of person who LOVES to beat the odds because I know I am special. Glad that this will soon be behind me and that the future is unknown.
Shannon